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How to Give a Cat a Bath
by: Cathy Powell
Some people say cats never have to be
bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special
enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -
dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away!
I've spent most of my life believing this
folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the
facts to the contrary; kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage,
dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must
face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public
sentiment to the contrary and announce:
"This
cat smells like a port-a-potty
on a hot day in Juarez!"
When that day arrives at your house, as
it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your
feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
* Know that although the cat has the advantage
of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage
of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.
Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase
him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the
sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower
curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not
hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is
that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh
gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is
no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your
flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is
inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if
you are lying on your back in the water.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your
cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats
will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest
in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that
you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed
is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom
door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the
cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that
he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not
expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.
When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt
of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into
the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats
is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat
bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans
generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just
been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed
to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach
for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can
do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After
all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough
to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually
the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least
now he smells a lot better!
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